Friday, January 20, 2017

We Want Things

People are worried about me. It's what friends do when they see you suffering. They would like to see me be OK, not be triggered by visions of rape.

They want me not to hear about children afraid of being deported and remember that I was often awakened from sleep to some scene my alcoholic father created. I was often afraid in my childhood too. Different reason; same terror.

They want me to once again be able to watch the news like the news junkie I was. They want to see me be able to put the bad news away and go about my business without toting fears of nuclear war with China or wholesale destruction of the planet my granddaughter will call home for 90 years.

My friends want me to find my joy again and rediscover my wicked sense of humor. They want me not to have to schedule extra sessions with my psychologist just to get through the month.

I want some things too. I want to not be an enneagram personality type 1 wing 9 ( who is driven to change things that hurt others. Not really, I just want everyone else to be one too so we'd simplify things and have the same goal.

I want my president to be smarter than me and humbled by the office.

I want legislators who have some semblance of decency, compassion, and shame.

I want everyone to treat others as they would like to be treated. No, better.

I want to hear that someone is a Christian and not have the wonder if they follow the example of the Christ who loves.

I would like just one person who voted for a man who bragged about sexually assaulting women and mocked a disabled man to apologize to me, a disabled rape survivor, and mean it.

I want to stop hearing "me, me, me" and overhear people say, "Can I help you with that?" and "You seem sad. Let's talk about what can make it better."

I want to wake up and find out everyone on the planet got woke. Woke AF. The kind of woke that makes you cry a little and then wipe tears on the sleeve of your work shirt and get after doing what needs doing to keep this world turning for us all.

Instead, I'm watching it all come undone. I can see it as clearly as I saw all the hours of the clock this 19 January 2017  night and 20 January 2017 morning.

If you are my friend, that will probably add to your worry about me because you know I need my sleep to keep the RA from making me sick.

I did some things during the night, though. I did some guided meditation and an 'examen' - a religious exercise where I look at what is in my life and think of what to do in response. I also prayed.

I don't have any brilliant answers or even smart ones, anyway none that I didn't have yesterday.

I'm going to get my hair cut later today. It's kind of a thing I do. When I make a major change, I cut my hair.

I'm going to make some things, do some sewing, and write in my liturgical journal.

I'm going to keep promises and become very acquainted with my legislators' staff members and learn their phone numbers by heart.

I'm going to take care of my animals and fiercely love my family. I'm going to love my neighbor, even those who are making my life a misery right now.

I'm going to follow my basic personality, but I'm more mentally healthy, and won't go off the deep end unless I am sure I have a life preserver. I'm going to fight back and wipe tears and give mini sermons to kids. And I'm going to finish the damn novel this year.

Don't worry, I'm gonna be OK, but I am going to suffer some while I do it because I will be seeing the suffering around me, the way my friends see mine.


  1. Yes, yes, yes...I want you to be healed and whole. The best I can do is hold you in my heart. /:

  2. I love you, Cyn.

  3. I love you, too. Thank you for your compassion and bravery.

  4. I love you, Cyn, and I've been worried, and sad because I didn't know what to do to comfort you. Now I realize I can hold you in my heart, just like you have held me in your heart during my suffering. I'm doing that, I'm here, sending love and light your way.

  5. ^ what they said. I'm so glad you are going forward, being you, and walking in the light.


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